THE FAMILY VIRTUES GUIDE
SIMPLE WAYS TO BRING OUT THE BEST IN OUR CHILDREN AND OURSELVES
LINDA KAVELIN POPOV
A PLUME BOOK 1997
Back cover
Bring Compassion, Generosity, and Kindness into Your Home with this Essential Guide
The most important job parents have is to pass basic virtues on to their children, and this invaluable book is designed to help make that job a little easier. Compiled by The Virtues Project, an international organization dedicated to inspiring spiritual growth in young and old alike, this multicultural, interfaith handbook shows parents and teachers how to turn words into actions and ideals into realities. Drawn from the world’s religions, the 52 virtues included here – one for each week of the year – nurture togetherness in family life. The simple strategies, which explain what a virtue is, how to practice it, and signs of success, will engage children of all ages in an exciting process of growth and discovery. This important book shows you how to:
v Learn the language of integrity and self-esteem
v Understand the five roles parents play
v Discover ways to introduce sacred time into family life
v Help children make moral choices
The Family Virtues Guide gives adults and children the tools for spiritual and moral growth. Join the thousands of families discovering simple practices for bringing out the best in each other by sharing The Family Virtues Guide.
Inside cover
The Family Virtues Guide is part of an initiative called The Virtues Project, whose vision is to empower adults and children in diverse cultures around the world to live by their highest values. It is not about the practices or beliefs of any one faith but is sourced in the virtues which are the common elements of spirituality found in all sacred traditions. The 52 virtues include: caring; compassion; consideration; excellence; generosity; helpfulness; humility; justice; kindness; love; modesty; respect; self-discipline; tact; tolerance; trust; unity.
Preface
Being a parent is the most complex and important activity on the planet. Parents are a child’s first and most important educators, yet they receive little or no training in what to do or how to do it. Unfortunately, children don’t come with instruction manuals.
There is a growing concern among conscientious parents that our children are caught up in materialism to the detriment of character, that they are picking up values which place personal gain before ethics, integrity, or love. Many of them have no sense of faith or spiritual values in their lives. What’s a parent to do?
- There have been valuable efforts to fill the void of parental guidance in recent years. What has yet to be addressed in a broad way is how parents can meet the spiritual needs of children.
- The Family Virtues Guide is part of an initiative called The Virtues Project, whose mission is to provide multicultural programs and materials which empower people to remember who they really are and to live by their highest values.
- The principles and practices in The Family Virtues Guide are being applied in families, schools, prisons, corporations, social-service programs, child-care centers, indigenous communities, and diverse faith communities throughout the world.
- The Family Virtues Guide is not about values. Values are culture specific. It is about virtues, which are universally valued by all faiths and cultures in the world.
- Virtues are the silver thread running through all of humanity’s sacred literature as well as the oral traditions of the world’s indigenous peoples. Virtues are described as the qualities of the soul and the attributes of God.
- Children are spiritual beings whose purpose in life is to have a purpose – to develop all the virtues they have within them in potential.
- Just as children’s bodies need food, air, light, and warmth, their spirits need challenge, direction, and encouragement.
- The Family Virtues Guide is a tool to help parents consciously and skillfully address their children’s spiritual needs.
A key principle of The Family Virtues Guide is that parents are the first educators, those best able to impart values and virtues to their children. The Family Virtues Guide is a response to parents who want to bring simple spirituality and character education into their children’s lives. The world needs people who are willing to take personal responsibility.
Let it be this generation.
Introduction: How to Use The Family Virtues Guide
The Family Virtues Guide is based on four key principles:
v The parent is the primary educator of the child.
v Children are born in potential: their natural qualities can develop into positive or negative traits depending on how they are educated in the early years.
v Character develops as children learn to make responsible, moral choices.
v Self-esteem is a natural outcome of living by spiritual principles.====
Naturally, you can’t help someone else grow without growing yourself. Using The Family Virtues Guide is an inner adventure for the whole family.
- The guide is a how-to manual for applying virtues in everyday life, for supporting each other to set spiritual goals.
- It is a guide to a simple language of spirituality – the virtues themselves. Some call it the language of the heart.
- There are two sections in The Family Virtues Guide. The first contains three chapters about how to be a spiritual mentor to children, including suggestions in Chapter 3 for holding family meetings to focus on a virtue each week, if that is something which fits for your family.
- It is not essential to have a formal gathering of the family to apply the principles and practices in the guide. It is only one way to focus on the virtues.
- The second section of the book contains 52 virtues, one for each week of the year. It seemed somehow more manageable than including the more than 300 virtues we found in the world’s sacred texts.
- Each virtue begins with a small inspirational quotation from the holy book of one of the world’s religions. Those included here are Hinduism, Judaism, Zoroastrianism, Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, and the Bahá’í Faith.
- Each virtue contains 4 pages: Page 1: What is it?; Page 2: Why practice it?; Page 3: How do you practice it? and exercises; Page 4: Signs of success and a daily affirmation.
- Appendix A contains Group Exercises that you may find helpful in comparing notes with a friend or sharing with a small group to deepen your understanding of the practices in The Family Virtues Guide.
- Appendix B is an outline of the practical do’s and don’ts of spiritual mentorship, from the first 3 chapters.
- Appendix C has instructions on how to make a virtues tree felt board.
- Appendix D contains information on The Virtues Project.
- The Family Virtues Guide offers a simple moral structure which parents can model and within which children can build their character and self-esteem. It is no substitute for love, hugs, and family giggles, the joys of just being together.
- However, it is a tool for parents to use in guiding and teaching their children so that the content of their character is a first priority.
- We offer The Family Virtues Guide in a spirit of enthusiasm and confidence that you and your children will find it a valuable source of support in cultivating your virtues, the gifts within.
Chapter 1: Who Are Our Children, Really
The spiritual nature of children. The longing for mastery and meaning. What kids are. What kids are not. The opposititis Trap. The ‘Chip off the Old Block’ Syndrome. Isn’t love enough?
Chapter 2: What’s a parent to Do?
Parenting principles and practices in the Virtues Project.
PARENT AS EDUCATOR.
Strategy 1: Recognize teachable moments.
From Shaming to naming. Use virtues, not labels. Change Enabling to empowering. Avoid the abuse of guilt. What if your child does something really terrible? Be a teacher, not a preacher.
Strategy 2: Speak the language of virtues.
Tap the power of language to shape culture. Tap the power of language to transform. Use virtues to acknowledge. Use virtues to correct. Name the act, not the actor. Be specific and accurate.
PARENT AS AUTHORITY
Strategy 3: Set clear boundaries
An educative model of authority. Give children R&R: Routines and Rituals. Ten guidelines for establishing family ground rules. Give choices within boundaries. Set boundaries when virtues are violated. Set boundaries to prepare children for new situations. Four principles of discipline.
PARENT AS GUIDE
Strategy 4: Honor the spirit
Share your skills. Share your family stories. Create routines of reverence. Mark special times with special rituals. What about God?
PARENT AS COUNSELOR
Strategy 5: Offer the art of spiritual companioning
What about feelings? Help children to make moral choices. Open the door. Offer Receptive Silence. Ask cup-emptying questions. Focus on sensory cues. Ask virtues-reflection questions. Ask closure and integration questions. Other virtues acknowledgements.
Chapter 3: How to Apply The Family Virtues Guide in Your Family
Introducing the virtues project to your children
Suggestions for getting started: Set a time to meet. Open with something simple and reverent. Describe the Family Virtues Guide. Set clear boundaries for sharing a circle. Choose a virtue to practice this week. Practice moderation.
How to hold a family virtues meeting: Balance creativity and order. A sample agenda. Keep it positive. Keep it simple and sacred. Practice reverence with a sharing circle. Apply creativity and joyfulness. Review the new virtue of the week. Create peacefulness with a closing ritual. Act with tact.
Virtues: The Gifts Within
Assertiveness; caring; cleanliness; compassion; confidence; consideration; courage; courtesy; creativity; detachment; determination; enthusiasm; excellence; faithfulness; flexibility; forgiveness; friendliness; generosity; gentleness; helpfulness; honesty; honor; humility; idealism; joyfulness; justice; kindness; love; loyalty; mercy; moderation; modesty; obedience; patience; peacefulness; prayerfulness; purposefulness; reliability; respect; responsibility; reverence; self-discipline; service; steadfastness; tact; thankfulness; tolerance; trust; trustworthiness; truthfulness; unity.
Scriptural References
Bibliography
Appendix A: Discussion Exercises
Appendix B: The Do’s and Don’ts of Bringing Out the Best in Our Children and Ourselves
Appendix C: How To Make a Virtues Tree Felt Board
Appendix D: Programs and Materials of the Virtues Project; World Wide Web Site
About the Authors